


it's a crime (if she's not around most of the time)

by explicitly_iridescent



Category: Gossip Girl (TV 2007)
Genre: F/F, Fluff and Angst, Pining, happy ending bcos i'm cool like that, i wrote this when i was 17, kinda canon but not really, let's hope it's still acceptable, ok not rlly canon at all LMAO, slowburn, this is long
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:28:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24090571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/explicitly_iridescent/pseuds/explicitly_iridescent
Summary: “I think he likes me,” Serena tells her—fourteen, and young, and maybe in love.“Everyone does,” Blair snaps back. It’s supposed to be playful, but it’s poisonous instead. She feels like a viper.Serena winces. “What’s that supposed to mean?”“It’s what it is,” she replies. “Whatever.”or, Blair and Serena: a lifetime.
Relationships: Serena van der Woodsen/Blair Waldorf
Comments: 11
Kudos: 70





	1. your golden soul (that touches all of us)

The first time Blair meets Serena, the world is gold.

Serena is all honey skin, and gold hair, and blue eyes.

Blair is only five, but she thinks she knows what perfection is already.

Eleanor pushes her forward, and Lily does the same to Serena. It’s Serena who smiles first and says hello.

//

“I don’t like that flavour,” Blair says, seven and wild and free as she tosses the pecan flavoured ice cream away.

“Blair!” Serena replies, her tone scolding. “Don’t waste that.”

Excess coats their entire existence, but Serena, seven, sweet, but nonetheless spoiled, but still so “mindful”, picks the ice cream box up.

Blair rolls her eyes. “You could have left it. I have maids too, you know.”

Serena sticks her tongue out. “You can’t let them pick up after us forever, B.”

Blair doesn’t say anything, even if she has bite and sharp teeth. She goes soft, and nods. “Fine.”

Serena smiles at her, golden and summertime. “Okay.”

//

“I got you this,” Blair says, handing over a Tiffany and Co. bag to Serena. The brunette licks her lips. “I saw you looking at it a few months ago. Happy twelfth birthday.”

“B…” Serena trails off, amazed. “I can’t believe you remembered.” She opens the bag, and grabs the small velvet box. Inside, she already knows a diamond bracelet resides.

“You didn’t get it that time, so I figured…” Blair stops, and smiles instead, knowing that her best friend would hear the unspoken words of affection in the air.

“Thank you, Blair. This is the best birthday present ever.” Serena wraps her arms around the brunette.

Blair sees gold—bronze skin, honey scented hair, and gold and summertime smiles—as she hugs Serena back.

//

“Close your eyes,” Serena insists. “Trust me, B.”

“Serena…” Blair’s tone is distrustful, but both she and Serena know she trusts the blonde to the ends of earth.

“Please?”

“Fine.”

Blair closes her eyes, and feels Serena’s warm arm wrap around her shoulders. The blonde leans to whisper in her ear, as she guides her to wherever it is she plans to bring Blair.

“Okay, so, you’ve been telling Nate and I that you’re feeling a little lonely at home when we’re not around,” Serena tells her, “so I got you something.”

Blair says nothing, and waits for Serena to stop leading her. After a few minutes, they stop walking.

“You can open your eyes now,” Serena tells her. Blair would’ve peeked in any other occasion with any other person, but it’s Serena, and she didn’t cheat when it came to her best friend.

Blair opens her eyes, and she sees a beautiful golden retriever sitting down in front of her, eyes brown, tail wagging.

Serena motions toward it. “Go ahead. You can name her.”

Blair kneels down, and calls it over, and all she sees is gold—yellow fur, amber eyes, and her honey skinned best friend laughing next to her as the dog runs toward her. She picks it up, and it licks her face.

Blair is speechless.

Serena kisses her cheek. “Happy 14th, B.”

Brown eyes clash with blue ones. “Thank you, Serena. I love it. I love her.” She smiles, and leans over to plant a kiss on the blonde’s cheek. “And I love you.”

“I love you too, B. Always,” Serena replies, smile bright, pink blushing over her cheeks. She pets the dog. “What’ll you name her?”

Blair takes a moment, and the dog nuzzles into her. “Tiffany,” she replies, a teasing smirk on her lips. “That way we both give each other Tiffany, right?”

“You’re awful,” Serena remarks with a giggle.

//

The first time Blair and Serena have a serious fight is over Nate. Nate has butterscotch hair, and stunning dark blue eyes. He’s all bronze skin, and boyish smiles. He grows up with both Blair and Serena—the balance to Blair’s sharpness, and Serena’s brightness.

But then, he kisses Serena. When Serena tells Blair, she says so with blushing cheeks, and light eyes, and the brunette feels something drop inside her. She doesn’t know what it is.

“I think he likes me,” Serena tells her—fourteen, and young, and maybe in love.

“Everyone does,” Blair snaps back. It’s supposed to be playful, but’s poisonous instead. She feels like a viper.

Serena winces. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It’s what it is,” she replies. “Whatever.”

The blonde furrows her eyebrows. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Nate likes you. What a surprise! Gosh, good to know modesty doesn’t run short with you.”

Serena is quiet. She stands up, says nothing more, and leaves.

Blair sits down in the hole she’s dug for herself.

//

They don’t talk for awhile, which is to say, two days. Nate and Serena are attached at the hip in school, but he still talks to Blair when he can. Blair, despite feeling anger toward him (for reasons she’s yet to understand), and toward her best friend, treats him pleasantly enough. He never brings up the tension between Blair and the girl of his affections.

Blair won’t say sorry, and instead hangs around Chuck Bass. Or maybe it’s Chuck Bass who hangs around her. Either way, they grow close, and she lets it be that.

Serena will come around.

//

Serena does, but not pleasantly. It’s angry, and hurt—and it’s Blair who says sorry first instead, because the blonde didn’t do anything, and Blair can be ugly sometimes.

They kiss and make up with a sleepover in Blair’s house on Sunday, watching movies and eating ice cream. Tradition mends the wounds, and they snuggle on the large pink satin bed.

“I missed you,” Serena tells her, before they fall asleep.

Blair rests her head on the blonde’s shoulder. “I always want you around.”

Serena hums in reply, and pulls her closer.

They fall asleep tangled in each other.

//

They all turn 15, and Nate asks Serena to be his. He gives her flowers, and a poem he scribbled on the back of a Dalton handkerchief, and that’s that. Serena tells him yes, and they kiss in the courtyard, with all the students looking.

Blair watches them, and feels her heart lurch.

Together, they’re golden—Blue eyes, and blonde hair, and honey skin. Together, they’re perfect.

Chuck stares at Blair with dark eyes, and a small frown. He puts an arm around her, and steers her away from the scene.

//

Chuck invites her to her first party, and Blair gets wasted. It’s fine, though, because everyone is. _Queen Blair_ , her cronies cheer when she dances on the table.

When everyone’s left or passed out, and all that’s left in the hotel room is her and Chuck, she finds herself nestling into his chest. He didn’t have sex tonight, even though he always did. They’re still fifteen, but he’s all grown up—or messed up, whichever you prefer to see it as.

He took care of her, which is something.

//

Serena gets her a necklace with a B on it. It’s all diamonds and titanium, and Blair promises to wear it everyday.

“You wear it so beautifully, Blair,” Serena compliments her, smiling like summer and suns.

“Thank you, S.” She grins.

Serena traces a finger on it, warmth rushing through Blair through Serena’s finger.

Blair decides to get a necklace too.

//

“You didn’t have too!” Serena exclaims once she sees the necklace.

“Oh, shut up,” Blair replies with a laugh. “Of course, I had to, S.”

Serena lifts her long blonde hair up. “Help me put it on?”

“Of course.” Blair sidles up behind her, and puts it on Serena. It feels like a mark. Like Serena’s hers somehow, and she’s Serena’s.

“Thank you, B.” Serena kisses her on the cheek, and Blair’s toes curl.

“You’re welcome, S.”

//

Serena’s _always_ drunk, somehow. She’s become reckless, and wild, and New York’s favourite show. She’s all short dresses, long limbs, and honey scent.

She shows up at Blair’s doorstep, intoxicated, and eyes crazy, and lips pulled up in a drunken wolfish grin.

“B!” She slur-yells.

Blair sighs. “S…”

They go to parties together—usually—but Blair doesn’t party as much as Serena does. Ever since they’d turned 16, Serena’s become something else entirely.

Serena says a lot of things. She’s a drunken mess, and Blair helps her up to her room. Tiffany perks up at the scent of Serena and starts to approach her, but Blair knows a drunk Serena is reckless, and shoos Tiffany away with gentle words.

She lays Serena down on the bed, where Serena giggles and talks about Nate, and sex, and food.

Blair shakes her head, and her heart shakes along with it.

“Go to sleep, S,” Blair whispers as she lays next to her.

“I love you,” Serena tells her. “So much.”

“I know, S. I love you too.”

“Okay,” Serena replies, “if you know.” And then she’s asleep.

Blair’s all heavy—heart, mind, and limbs.

//

When Serena wakes up, Blair’s already taken a bath and placed pills and water on the bedside. Blair sits on the bed, and watches Serena adjust to the morning light.

“My head hurts,” Serena comments as she takes an Advil and washes it down with water.

“You were wasted,” Blair tells her.

Serena nods and says nothing else. Blair feels bile rise up in her throat. “You should fix that,” she snaps, unable to stop herself.

Serena looks at her, puppy dog eyes hurt. “What?”

Blair stands up and crosses her arms. “You’ve gone off the rails, Serena. You’re always wasted or high, or both! Then you do something stupid, like cheat on Nate, or break shit. I can’t always be around to take care of you. Case in point: last night!”

“What’s your problem, Blair?” Serena replies, sharp and angry too. Sometimes, Blair forgets Serena’s just as much as a snake as her. Just rose scented and hidden.

“My problem is you’re my friend and I’m worried about you!”

Serena laughs, cruel and evil. “That’s rich! Coming from Chuck Bass’s close friend. You don’t seem to be doing him any favours.”

Blair feels something in her snap. Chuck’s been there for her in times she never expected, in times Serena’s off with Nate, or having problems with her family.

“Get out,” she says, low and dangerous.

Serena’s expression becomes remorseful. “B…that’s not—I didn’t mean—“

Blair says nothing more, her expression stone and frozen. She turns around and leaves, waiting for Serena to leave her house.

//

The fight lasts, but not long. Never too long. Blair and Serena can’t stay away from each other, never had, never could, never would. Blair ignores her, and avoids her. She blocks her number, and buys a new phone, because she can do things like that. Eleanor comments about the lack of Serena in their home, but Blair ignores it, and goes on with her life.

She cries at night, and to Chuck, but in school she’s still _Queen Blair_. Not the Queen, but a Queen nonetheless.

Serena is not as good at hiding it. She’s all sad gazes, and desperate phone calls. She stops by Blair’s house, and Blair watches her get turned away by the butlers and maids. In school, she’s still _Queen Serena_ , but she’s also dark circles and heavy gazes.

Nate tries to fix things, but he’s always just been a boy—maybe _the_ boy in their lives, but still a boy.

Chuck lets Blair crash at his place, and drink his alcohol, and teaches her to be sober and not messed up like him or like Serena.

//

It’s a week before Blair cracks and finally answers one of Serena’s calls. She doesn’t say anything, but that’s okay, because Serena’s ready to do all the talking.

“B,” she says, and Blair can hear the shock and relief laced in her tone. “You actually answered.” Blair doesn’t reply, and Serena goes on. “I can’t believe—I didn’t expect…I—Blair. Blair, I’m so sorry.” Serena’s crying now, sniffling into the phone. “I’m so fucking sorry, B. I shouldn’t have—yeah. I have a problem, you’re right. I’m so sorry. I’ll fix it. Please, forgive me already. I miss you so much. I’m so fucking sad. Please, please, please. I have a problem, and I can fix it, I just…I just need time, and help. Please, forgive me.”

She rambles on, and on, and Blair starts crying, but unlike Serena’s, it’s quiet and hidden. Serena finishes her spiel, and waits for Blair to say something, _anything_ , and Blair can hear the other girl’s heavy breathing through the phone.

“Come to my house,” is all Blair says, and Serena says okay, and ten minutes later she’s _there_.

Blair opens the door, and Serena flings herself into the brunette’s arms, and Blair hugs her back.

“B, I’m sorry,” Serena cries into her shoulder.

Blair’s nightgown’s probably damp there by now, but she doesn’t care. “I know. Me too.”

“I love you so much, Blair.”

Blair hugs her tighter, and it’s all gold—summer sobs, gold hair, and honey skin. “I love you too, S.”

//

No one is happier than Nate when Blair and Serena fix things. They’re both his best friends, even if he is fucking one of them, and the tension between the three disappears. Mostly. Sometimes Blair still gets those sharp moments when she sees the two of them kiss and act in love. She doesn’t understand why yet.

Serena gets help—goes to a centre and all, despite her mom saying it’s bad for their image. Blair is there for her every single day, and they always get a salad afterward. Nate goes, sometimes, but he’s still a boy who likes to play lacrosse and other things.


	2. we're loving the wrong people (for each other)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nate is bronze. Serena is gold. Blair doesn't know which one she wants.

Serena and Nate argue more and more, with Serena having less time for Nate, and Nate growing jealous. Granted, S has never had the best track record, and so Blair understands Nate whenever he talks to her about it, dark blue eyes downcast. Sometimes, he cries, other times he just lets Blair run her fingers through his dirty blonde hair.

Blair tries to fix it, of course she does. She talks to Serena about it, but Serena only wants to spend time with this new guy named Dan who’s poor, and has bad taste in clothing.

Nate starts to spend less and less time with Serena, and more and more time with Blair or Chuck, and since Chuck and Blair were usually together too, by de facto, he finds himself with her almost always.

Blair knows Nate needs her more, because Serena doesn’t cry about him the way he does about her, so she lets it be that. She texts Serena apologies and cancellations, and Serena spends her time with Dan—even if he is poor, and annoying, and thinks he’s better than them because they’re rich and spoiled.

He’s not one of us, she often tells Serena, but it falls on deaf ears, because Serena doesn’t care about the money, not the way Blair and Chuck did.

//

“Thanks, Blair,” Nate tells her one night, as they watch a movie on Chuck’s couch. Chuck is asleep, wasted and high, a naked woman wrapped around him in his bed.

She doesn’t need to ask for what, but she does raise an eyebrow, because she’s Blair Waldorf, and she likes validation.

“For all of this,” Nate says in hushed tones of intimacy. “I don’t think I would’ve survived the past few months without you. You’ve really been there for me.”

Blair gives him a soft smile reserved for only him, Chuck, and Serena. “It was no problem, Nate. You know I care for you. We grew up together—all of us.”

His dark blue eyes have something in them she thinks is a spark of something, and her stomach lurches. He almost leans in, but she turns her head away, because he’s still Serena’s boyfriend, and Serena may be a cheater, but Blair isn’t, and Serena’s still her best friend.

“You know what you have to do,” she tells him instead, and he nods.

//

Nate breaks up with Serena at the start of January, and Serena calls Blair, crying, while Blair’s out with Chuck at a party. She kisses Chuck on the cheek goodbye, and he calls his chauffeur to bring Blair to Serena, because he _gets_ it, he _understands_.

Serena’s crying in the middle of New York—the city ablaze with fireworks, lights, and people screaming drunk, hazy, alive. Blair wraps her coat around the blonde, and kisses the top of her head, even if Serena’s taller.

The blonde leans into her, and Blair holds her. She wipes all of Serena’s tears in the car, and assures her that it’s all going to be okay, that maybe she and Nate were better off as friends.

Serena falls asleep on the crook of Blair’s neck.

//

Blair’s seventeen when Nate kisses her. He kisses her, and he means it. It’s the way he used to kiss Serena—eyes closed, lips soft, jaw tilted at this angle she’s come to know. Blair kisses him back, and she means it. At least she thinks she does.

He’s one of her nearest and dearest, and he’s all bronze skin, and butterscotch hair, and dark blue eyes. He’s familiar in a way that reminds her of Serena, almost, but Blair doesn’t think about that. She lets it be this instead.

“I love you,” Nate tells her, heady and needy.

She smiles at him, soft and all curves. “I know.”

//

The third argument is because of Nate—just like the first.

“Why didn’t you tell me, B?” Serena yells at her, angry and jilted. “I had to find out from Jenny? You’re both my best friends!”

Blair stares at her, and sighs. “I’m sorry, S. I didn’t know how to tell you. He’s your ex. I didn’t want things to be weird.”

Serena glares at her, and Blair almost recoils. She doesn’t like Serena likes this. Serena’s not meant to be sharp or snappy. That’s Blair.

“Thanks for all the consideration in the world, Blair,” Serena snaps at her. “A best friend you are.”

She walks out, because, _of course_ , she’s Serena van der Woodsen, and she’s a Queen too, just like Blair. It’s icy, and cold, and Blair’s almost proud. Except she’s heartbroken, because she’s just hurt S.

//

Blair cries to Chuck about it, because he gets it. Confiding in Nate is dangerous, because he’s always in between her and Serena, but Chuck is faraway from that. He’s never been in between them. He’s always been on her side, only. Almost like a secret, a reprieve from everything that is Serena, Blair, and Nate.

He lets her drink, and sober up, and drink, and sober up, and not once does he try to kiss her, because he’s her Chuck, not the Chuck Bass of the world.

//

It’s four days before Serena breaks, and lets Blair talk to her. She’s not like Blair. Stone cold isn’t her speciality—she’s never been able to serve it on a cone with sprinkles like Blair could any day. She’s always been softer, and Blair uses this to her advantage.

Blair had let her cool off. Unlike Serena, earnest doesn’t look good on her. She lets the space between them engulf them both. She eats with her cronies, and even avoids being with Nate anywhere Serena might see them. It’s 2 C’s for Blair—Chuck and cronies. She lets Serena see she’s sorry in ways only Serena would understand.

On the fourth day, Blair catches Serena eyeing her with what could only be described as longing. She sees her chance, and later that night she’s at Serena’s house with an Eleanor Waldorf designer shirt she knows Serena would adore.

Serena lets her in, and hugs her. It’s taut—Blair can feel the tension in Serena’s shoulders. She’s like a bowstring, ready to snap at anything. This isn’t Serena.

“I’m sorry,” Blair mumbles in her golden hair.

Serena nods, and hugs her tighter.

“What’s wrong?” Blair asks, sensing something else is off.

Serena pulls away, and shakes her head. “Mom and dad stuff. You know.”

The brunette nods. She does. Her father had left her mom for some young male model. She gets familial problems, and more than that, she gets Serena. She kisses Serena’s cheek. “I am sorry, S. More than anything, I love you.”

“I know, B. I know you do. I’m sorry too.”

Blair sighs, and they both sit down on the couch. “I just didn’t know how to tell you, but I was going to. Nate and I only became official two days ago, though I admit, we have been ‘dating’ for two months already. I was going to tell you some time around next week. I just needed more time. It’s hard to say that stuff, you know? How could I tell you I was dating your ex boyfriend?”

Serena grabs her hand, and squeezes it. “I get it now, B. I talked to Chuck about it.” She makes a face. Serena’s not particularly fond of the Bass boy. “He explained it to me, with a few choice words. And I get it. You were never going to hide it forever, I know you. You tell me everything. Besides that, I don’t love Nate anymore. I guess I was just shocked when Jenny told me. I’m glad we’re okay.”

Blair smiles at her, soft and vulnerable. “We always will be, S.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

//

“What’s this?” Blair asks, eyebrows raised.

Serena beams at her. Beside her is Tiffany. “I dognapped Tiff, and now I’m kidnapping you.”

“For what?”

Serena walks up to her and holds her hands. “It’s been sometime since we’ve done something other than shop, hang out in our rooms, or party. I thought maybe we could bond doing something different.”

“Aw, S.” Blair hugs her. She had been spending a lot of time with Nate, and Serena with Dan. “Okay, sure. Let me just get ready.”

Serena laughs. “Blair, you’re wearing Gucci shoes, a Hermes belt, a Chanel shirt, and Eleanor Waldorf pants. You’re fine.”

“This is my casual day out outfit. I thought we were doing something special?” Blair pouts.

“Don’t be a baby,” Serena teases her. “Trust me, you’re dressed just fine.”

“What are we even going to do?”

“You’ll see! Blair Waldorf just get in this car right now!”

“Fine, fine.”

//

Serena brings her to a dog park/museum somewhere in New York, and Blair is honestly surprised. She didn’t even know something like that existed.

The dog museum consists of statues of dogs that are famous for something—either having done something heroic, or belonging to famous successful people. There’s also a bunch of random fun stuff to do, and Tiffany loves it. She plays with the other dogs, and barks at the wax statues, and Blair chases after her on more than one occasion, Serena hot on their heels, laughing her head off.

They take a bunch of pictures, and people ask for pictures with them, because they’re Blair Waldorf and Serena van der Woodsen—and she can’t forget Tiffany Waldorf-Woodsen.

After the museum, they head to the dog park Serena swears seemed fun from the sites she’d checked. They eat the food Serena’s private chef prepared, because Blair doesn’t like simple, and even if Serena does, she loves Blair and will do anything for her. They laugh and talk as Tiffany runs around, and occasionally comes to them for morsels of food.

It’s a lazy picnic day, and it’s perfect.

Blair turns to snap a picture of Serena, and Serena smiles at her—gold hair, blue eyes, and honey skin.

//

Blair doesn’t want to lose her virginity to anyone she doesn’t love. Unlike Serena, Nate, and Chuck, she views it as something valuable. She wants to give it to someone she cares about. Like with her friends, her clothes, and even her family—Blair is picky. She won’t settle for anything less than perfect.

So, she stops Nate every time they farther than third base.

“I’m not ready,” she tells him unapologetically.

He nods, and always stops. He’s a good guy. He never makes her feel bad for it; never forces her hand in anything.


	3. two queens, no heart

Serena turns 18, and it’s something spectacular. Lily van der Woodsen spares no expense on her prized golden daughter. The theme of the debutante ball? _Fairytale_. And Blair can’t help but think it’s abso-fucking-lutely fitting, because Serena’s royalty—always has been, always will be. Serena can be kind and mindful all she wants; she can hang out with people like Dan, and Vanessa; she can walk, and wear normal clothes, and do _simple_ things, but she can’t ever hide who she really is underneath all that: she’s a princess and a queen, all golden haired and blue eyed, and honey skin.

Blair has her dress custom made. It’s couture, high fashion, made by Rolland and Valli—a collaboration between two of the small amount of high fashion designers—and it costs nothing short of 2 million dollars. Blair won’t ever wear it again, because that’s how gowns work; she’d never be caught dead reusing, repeating, redoing, but the price is worth it, because she’s Blair Waldorf. She’s majestic.

Serena’s dress is something Blair’s already seen and she knows it’s long, and gorgeous, and also couture, and probably costs just as much as Blair’s gown. Serena’s going to wear gold, and it fits her, while Blair will play her second—her best friend, gliding by her side—she wears silver.

Serena walks down the beautiful ornate steps, and everyone stares up at her in awe. It’s an affair to be at, it really is. Blair even has to elbow both Nate and Chuck in the sides to close their mouths, but she doesn’t, for a second, doubt that she looked just like them moments ago.

Serena’s hair is down, a lion’s mane, and her smile is summertime and every good morning Blair has ever had. She stops at the bottom, and Blair comes forward—like some impromptu knight in her shining silver diamond plated dress. Serena extends her hand, and Blair takes it, and together they walk the red runway. Tradition demands that the debutante walk and dance with her significant other, but Dan is in the corner, awkward and in a shabby suit, and no one will ever be more significant to Serena than Blair.

The program is what programs are: long and sometimes boring, but Blair is all rapt attention, and posture. Serena sits on a beautiful glass throne, and beside her, on a smaller one, is Blair, and only Blair. The sixteen candles start with her mother, and end with Blair. The eighteen roses start with Nate, and end with Dan.

When the program is done, and the bar is open, and all the courses served, Blair allows herself to be pulled away from Nate’s arms to dance with Serena, who giggles, already tipsy, and insists they slow dance.

“Happy birthday, S,” Blair tells her, all soft and amber streaks.

Serena beams at her, bright and sunny, and happy, happy, happy. “Thank you, B. I’m having a great time.”

Blair leads the dance, and twirls them a little. “You look absolutely stunning. You’re so beautiful.”

Serena blushes, and hides her face in the crook of Blair’s neck. “You’re always pretty, Blair. You looked magnificent in that silver gown,” she says into Blair’s neck.

Blair finds herself feeling warm all over, and all she sees is gold—yellow chandeliers, gold hair, honey scent, and summertime smiles.

//

Blair and Nate fight, and it’s something dead. It isn’t overtly vicious or poisonous, even if Blair is all those things. It’s quiet, and hot, and it burns, but it’s over in a flash.

“I don’t want to go to Dartmouth,” he asserts, dark blue eyes stormy and angry.

She sniffs. “Yes you do, Nathaniel. I’m going to Yale, and you’re going to Dartmouth.” Her voice is steady and sure, not yet sharp or biting.

He snaps, like a twig, cracking in half as he raises his voice. “I don’t want to go to and waste four years of my life in an Ivy League school! It’s not for me, Blair. It may be for you, but not for me!”

Her brown eyes darken as she whips around to face him. “You will go to Dartmouth, Nathaniel Archibald! How dare you ruin something perfect? Chuck’s going to Princeton, Serena’s going to Brown, I’m going to Yale, and you’re going to Dartmouth. If you don’t want Dartmouth, then go to Stanford or Harvard. If you don’t want an Ivy league school, go to Oxford!”

“You don’t own me, Blair.”

Blair laughs, because she does. She owns everyone, and everything, doesn’t she? And if Nate truly loves her, he will do this, and follow her to the ends of the world.

“That’s funny.”

He bristles. “I’m not a perfect piece in your little world. I’m my own person.”

She ignores him, and sits down on her bed. “Leave. Talk to me when you make sense again.”

And he’s gone. Nate leaves with a frustrated grunt, and a hand through his dirty blonde hair.

//

Chuck is on her side, obviously. He loves Nate—Nate is his Serena—but he’s never understood the blonde boy’s need to be normal and to explore anything other than the finest luxuries in life. When Blair cries to him, he comforts her and promises to talk to Nate.

He doesn’t force Nate, or anything, but they do talk, and when they’re done, he’s by Blair’s side telling her what’s happened.

“Nathaniel needs time,” he says with a small lopsided smile. “It’ll all be good in awhile. You did say some harsh things.”

“I did, didn’t I?”

“Yes, Blair. As much as I agree with your point of view, I also agree that you were harsh toward him. Apologies are in order.” His voice is condescending and arrogant, and anyone else would hate it, but this is Chuck Bass, and he’s always loved Blair, and she’s always loved him.

She sighs. “Okay.”

//

Serena is not on her side. Normally, that would shock Blair, but she doesn’t mind half as much as she should. Nate is both their close friend, and with him being upset with Blair, and Blair always being with Chuck, he only had one other person to run to.

Blair can fault him for a lot of things, but not that. Not this.

Serena and her grab lunch on Monday, and the blonde tells Blair the things the brunette knew would already come.

“You shouldn’t force something on him like that,” S tells her, bathed in the sunlight that streams through the windows.

She doesn’t reply at first, simply drinks her tea, and shrugs. “He should have known what it meant to be with me, then.”

Serena shakes her head. “You’re too harsh, B.” Her eyes are soft, and pleading.

“I’ve always been like this,” Blair hisses. “And please, you know his father would disown him if he decides not to go to Dartmouth. I’m looking out for Nate.”

“That may be true, B, but you’re also being selfish about it. You want him to be a trophy boyfriend as much as his father wants him to be a trophy son.” Serena looks at her, disappointed and judging. “I thought you were better than that.”

Blair narrows her eyes. “I have a reputation I have to uphold. Some of us work hard for it, Serena. Not everyone’s downright royalty with their blonde hair and tiny waistline.” It’s vile, and ugly, and she can see Serena rear back.

Serena doesn’t back down though. She’s the only one who’s ever stood head to head with Blair; the only one besides Chuck to call her out on her shortcomings. Nate’s always loved her too much to do so, and everyone else was just scared.

“You’re being really mean about this. Nate will end up resenting you for this, if you don’t stop.”

“Tell him to get in line.”

“I’ll resent you for this.”

Blair’s retort dies in her throat. Her eyes widen, and she looks at Serena as if seeing her for the first time. Serena looks at her with contempt.

“You should be there for Nate, not drag him down along with his father.” Serena shakes her head. “You should be better than that. Just because you have a dream, doesn’t mean everyone else should subscribe to it, B. That’s what you’re missing. You were there for me when I decided to go to Brown—“

“—Brown’s still an Ivy league school, Serena!”

“—and we both know how my mom feels about Brown. Why must you be so hard on Nate? Don’t you love him?”

Blair balls her hands into fists. “Of course, I do! Don’t you?”

Serena looks confused. “What?”

“If you really loved him, you wouldn’t support his decision that will surely end with him getting disowned, having no cash, and losing a bright future!” Blair snaps at her. She straightens her shoulders, as she throws Serena a scathing glare. “I would support him to go anywhere else, sure, but he would lose everything! That would put an unnecessary strain on his other relationships, including his with mine, as well as a significant shift in his lifestyle.” Blair’s eyes darken. “You and Nate can hark all you want about the simple life; about the life far away from all of this glitz and glamour. Maybe you guys can survive a few weeks without cash, but forever? Years? No. You and Nate are just as spoiled as the rest of us, and neither of you would survive without your trust funds. I don’t want Nate to face that harsh reality. I don’t want to support him in something I know he isn’t prepared for!”

Serena withers under Blair’s glare and sharp words, and grows quiet. She doesn’t say anything, and Blair fumes for what feels like an eternity. Once things grow quiet again between them, the heavy air slowly dissipating, Serena talks.

“I guess we love in different ways, then.”

Blair doesn’t reply.

//

Nate comes to her and says sorry. Of course, he does. He loves her, and no matter how much they disagree, and Serena supports him, he will always seek his current love’s approval—and that current love is Blair. He comes to her, dark blue eyes longing, and tail in between his legs.

Blair takes him back, easy and simple. She doesn’t make him work for it, the way she’d make anyone else do, because, well, in her own twisted way, she loves him. Loves him enough to be cruel to him, because Nate was such a pretty boy: bronze haired, and blue eyed, and beloved, and the world was utterly too kind to him.

She kisses him, and they make out for hours, then she says no, and he respects her, and she lets it be that.

//

Serena refuses to talk to her, which isn’t entirely news to Blair. Jenny comes to her like a little puppy hoping for scraps; she could’ve been, Blair cruelly thinks as she eyes the small blonde. Jenny was a lot like Tiffany—yellow and obedient; eager to please.

Jenny tells her everything she knows from Dan. Serena had told him what had happened a week ago, about how betrayed she felt that Nate decided to go against her better judgement, about how Blair had become something she doesn’t quiet recognise anymore, about her brother Eric and complications at home. Blair sends Jenny off with a sleepover invite, knows it’s enough to keep the little girl around, and then decides to talk to Chuck.

Chuck’s reception of her story is dismissive. He waves a hand, and sips his scotch. “It will fix itself. Drama here in the Upper East Side always does. Don’t ruin your pretty brown locks over it.”

Blair rolls her eyes at him. “Thank you for your wonderful advice.”

He smirks. “You asked what I thought.” He shrugs. “You and Serena always kiss and make up, anyways, and Nate’s back. Everything will be fine, Blair.”

Something feels wrong, deep inside of her, but she decides to believe Chuck.

//

It’s a week before Blair’s 18th, when things between her and Serena finally break. It’s Serena that comes to her, because Blair doesn’t approach people, because Blair is cruel, and unkind, and sometimes unforgiving, and Serena is anything but.

There’s a knock on her door, and she knows it’s Serena, because Nate always texts when he comes over, and Chuck never comes over. “Come in,” she says, poised and beautiful.

Serena opens the door, steps inside, and something’s different.

“I’m not here to say sorry,” she says instead of a hello.

Blair raises an eyebrow. “What did you come here for then?”

“Your birthday preparations.” Serena holds up an envelope. “I got mine from Eleanor.”

Blair hums. Of course, she did. They may not be good, but Blair be damned if she spends her debutante ball without her best friend. “Your dress is ready?”

Serena nods. “Of course, it is.”

“Great Gatsby theme. Fancy, isn’t it?”

“Perfect.”

It’s dry—their conversation. The air between them is heavy, and Blair can sense that Serena wants her to apologise; that Serena wants her to atone for her words.

“I’m not apologising, S.” _If that’s what you came for._

Serena sighs and shakes her head. “Of course, you’re not.” She gives Blair a disappointed look. “I thought you were better than this.” She pauses. “I still do. I still think you’re better than this.”

Maybe, she had been before, but high school and the divorce, and the limelight has changed Blair. She’s coming into herself, becoming more of who she really always has been, and if Serena can’t handle that—well, she has to, it’s her job.

“Well, I’m always sorry to disappoint,” Blair calmly replies, looking at her nails.

“But not sorry when you hurt your friends?” Serena inquires, lacking bite. “But not sorry when you hurt your boyfriend? When you hurt me?”

Blair doesn’t respond for awhile. She bides her time. As with everything, it’s all in the timing. “I simply gave Nate the advise that would save him from harm, and I simply told you to not overstep my relationship with him. He’s respected my wishes, said sorry for ever thinking he was better, and now he’s back in my good graces. If I were you, I’d do the same, considering you’ve helped feed that poor mindset he has.”

Serena furrows her eyebrows, and looks at her with disdain. “Do you even hear yourself talk these days?” She crosses her arms. “This isn’t you, Blair. You’ve changed.”

She laughs—high and almighty. “I’ve always been like this, Serena. You should know that better than anyone else,” she bites back. “I do what’s best for myself, and I expect everyone else to do what’s best for them. Even if it means they’ll be unhappy.”

“The world doesn’t work that way, B.” Serena sounds tired. She uncrosses her arms. “It doesn’t revolve around me, and neither does it revolve around you. That took me some time to learn. I even disappeared over the summer, remember? Eric even tried to take his life, and I made that about me. I learned my lessons. You haven’t. Not everyone is going to do what you want them to do. You don’t want real relationships then, you want slaves.”

Blair bites the inside of her cheek to keep herself from saying something she’ll regret, or from crying. “That’s not what this is about,” she says after awhile. It comes out through gritted teeth, and pursed lips.

“It is, B. You’re becoming—I don’t even know anymore. You’re something else now.”

“What? Say it. A bitch? A hag? What? Say it, S.”

Serena shakes her head. “I didn’t come here to fight with you. I came here to fix things. I was hoping you’d take the high road, and just say sorry, so we could talk about things and fix them.” She turns away from Blair and starts to walk out. “But you aren’t that kind of person anymore, or maybe you never were.”

And then she’s gone.

Blair, of course, cries.

//

She talks to Chuck about it, because she talks to him about everything. Chuck can’t judge her; he’s Chuck. 

“Hm.” His expression is thoughtful. “I say just say sorry. The problem goes away much faster that way.”

“I’m not saying sorry,” she growls. 

He holds his hands up. “I’m just saying. Apologising can do wonders. I once got the daughter of a minor political in Manhattan pregnant, and once I said sorry she let it be. You can just go to Serena, say your sorrys, and maybe make out and send me a vid.” It’s crude, and crooked, and so Chuck that Blair can’t hate him for what he says. 

“I’m not,” Blair replies, sharply, angrily, “ever saying sorry.”

“Then you’re never going to fix this.” Chuck pours himself more scotch. “It’s the only way, Blair. Do you want the wedge between you and Serena to grow? Do you want her to, as she says, resent you?”

Blair suddenly shrinks into herself. She feels small. “No.”

“Then grow up, say sorry, and fix yourself.” He rolls his eyes. “Toxic does not look good on you, darling.”

He’s right, he really is, and Blair decides to do the right thing for once.

//

Whip stitched thick skin, Blair reminds herself. She can do this. Saying sorry shouldn’t be so painstaking. If she can create empires and break people, she can definitely apologise for her shortcomings to the person she arguably loved the most.

She texts Serena with shaky hands, because she’s sure she cannot handle a phone call. 

hey, can we talk? 

It doesn’t sound apologetic, but Serena knows Blair, and Blair knows Serena knows her, and it’s something, isn’t it? She waits.

A part of Blair is scared, but she refuses to entertain that part, but hypothetically, if she were, she’d say she was afraid that it would be too late. It’s been days since her and Serena’s fight, and she’d been especially cruel then. What if the blonde decides she’d had enough? 

But this is Serena, and no matter how manipulative she can be, her intentions are always good and kind, if not blind; that’s why she and Blair work, because they contrast each other in the best of ways, because Serena balances her slyness and sharpness, and she balances Serena’s naivety and stupid decision making skills.

i’m not sure if i’m ready to talk to you yet, b 

Serena replies a few minutes later, and it makes Blair breathe easier. It’s not the most ideal response, but it’s something. 

ok, but i’m ready to talk it through with u now. just let me know when u are. i love you, S.

It’s kind, Blair notes, and it’s apologetic. She’s doing her best.

thank u, blaire. i’ll msg u soon. i love you too, always. even if u are a bitch. 

Blair’s lips tug into a smile.

//

“Hey, babe,” Nate answers the call. Blair can imagine him fresh from lacrosse practice, sweaty and handsome, and eager—always eager to be at her beck and call, the way he had been with Serena, and every girl he’d ever dated. 

“Hi,” she pleasantly says. She can imagine him perk up at her tone. He’s learned to read her good and bad moods. 

“You woke up on the right side of the bed today,” he says with a laugh. He’s probably running his hand through his hair.

“I just wanted to tell you something, baby.” She takes a deep breath. She can do this. “I would have done it in person, but I’m busy with my birthday preparations.”

“What is it?”

“I’m sorry for the way I treated you a few weeks ago,” she apologises. “I support you in whatever you choose to do, Nate. I was just worried, and it came out cruelly. I didn’t intend to be that much of a bitch about it. I’m sorry. Just think more about it, okay?”

He’s stunned, she can tell, because Blair has never said sorry to him for anything, even when she was the one blatantly wrong. “Uh,” Nate replies, dumbly. “Um, wow. Thank you, Blair. That’s amazing. It means a lot. I love you, and I really will think about what you’ve said.”

“Okay, thank you. I love you too.” She smiles, and she can tell he’s smiling too.

//

Serena calls her just four days before her birthday, and Blair—who never answers on the first ring to assert her dominance in little ways—answers through the first ring. 

“Serena?” she sounds desperate, and maybe she is. 

“B,” the blonde replies, and Blair can imagine her with a small smile playing on soft angel lips. “Are you free right now?”

Blair isn’t. She still has to oversee the invitation designs, and her second dress fitting, but that all falls away. “No, we can hang out.”

“Okay, okay.” Serena fumbles a bit, probably fixing her handbag. “Lunch right now?”

“Usual?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, I’ll meet you there.”

“See you, B.”

**Author's Note:**

> you'll notice some writing changes (mostly because i wrote the bulk of this when i was 17, and am finishing this now at 20, but it's still good hopefully :>)


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